It's Been Awhile
by Kenne Morrison1
Summary: A Rogue Story


**It's Been Awhile**

**Part One **

**Disclaimer: This story is inspired by the song "It's Been Awhile" by Staind.  The lyrics to the song appear in _italics _and are copyrighted by the band.  The characters of the story are copyrighted by Marvel Comics.  This story is strictly for entertainment purposes alone.  No money is being solicited for this story.  The lyrics to the song contain swear words.  This story is rated PG-13 for the swear words in the lyrics.**

_It's been awhile _

_Since I could hold my head high_

_It's been awhile_

_Since I first saw you_

_It's been awhile_

_Since I could stand on my own two feet again_

_It's been awhile _

_Since I could call you_

_But everything I can't remember_

_As fucked up as it all may seem_

_The consequences that I've rendered_

_Have stretched myself beyond my mean_

It's been awhile since he left her.  Rogue spent the first few months after he left trying to keep her heart from breaking out of her chest.  It wasn't only the fact that he had left her that hurt.  It was knowing that he would rather leave her than let her help him with his problem.  She tried to remember just when their problems had all started.  It had always been such a roller coaster ride with them.  He had met her while they were X-Men, and she had fallen for his charms.  She had watched how he moved and felt the swoon of his passion.  The day he had asked her out seemed like the happiest day of her life.  They had finally found the time to act on their growing interest in each other.  He had even asked her out on a proper date.  He had polished up his motorcycle while she had bought a beautiful dress.  A part of her wished they had never taken that first step, but another part of her knew that his love was the one piece of the puzzle she had been searching so long to find.

Their relationship was troubled from the beginning.  He was always getting them both into dangerous situations because of his arrogant belief that he could get them out of anything.  Then his wife showed up.  It hurt her a lot that he never mentioned to her that he had been married.  He just said that he didn't think it was very important since Belladonna was supposed to be dead.  When Belladonna confronted them, he chose to stay with her instead of returning to the wife he had been arranged to marry for peace sake.  She had endured the hatred his wife heaped on her for taking him away.  She had listened to Belladonna's taunts that he would never love another like she wanted him to.  In the end, he stayed with her instead of going back to the woman he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with before the eyes of God.

And then there was a bigger obstacle in their relationship.  No matter how much she wanted to or he craved her, she could never touch him because one touch of her flesh to his would steal his life essence away. She had questioned how long he would stay with her knowing that she could never give him all that he was looking for.  She knew that she should have walked away then, but she had fallen head over heels in love.  Oh, it could get frustrating because he would attempt to steal a kiss from her.  It was like he would forget on a regular basis that she couldn't touch him because he was always asking for it.  She would come off as a shrieking banshee because she would have to push him away.  But at the end of the day, he stayed with her, and she learned to forgive him for everything.

Then she found out he was holding a secret from her and their friends.  He started avoiding her at every possible chance because he knew she was starting to suspect something.  He kept insisting to her that she would never love him if she knew.  She had been insulted that he was willing to make that assumption without giving her a chance.  How was she to know that it would seem he was right for when she finally found out his terrible secret, it hurt and she had reacted badly about his secret and had abandoned him.  She had to live with the looks that she received when others looked at her with contempt for leaving him to die.  She still received looks of judgment and suspicion even after she learned she had been reflecting his self-loathing.  It seemed that no matter what happened after that, she would never be received as well by those she cared for the most.  She should have hated him for that.  But she could never hate him for having a conscience and having to live with something so horrible by himself because he didn't want to inflict that pain on her.

Everything within her told her their relationship had been doomed from the first time, but she just couldn't believe that.  She didn't even want to believe he could be so bad for her when she learned about his drug addiction.  She remembered the day she walked into his room to see him shooting up.  He had sworn that it was a one-time thing.  He promised her that day to give it all up.  She believed him, and she kept believing him even after the fourteenth and fifteenth time she had seen him shooting.  She watched in desperate silence as the man she had fallen in love with was stripped away by the drugs he used.  She had watched his life get more and more pathetic because of being strung out.  He had eventually been expelled from the team after his poor performance almost cost the life of a teammate.  She had agreed to leave with him because she hoped that her love could help him to quit.  She had even endured the emotional abuse he put her through when he was so high he didn't even know who he was.  She had endured it all because she thought she could love him enough.

That was what made the day he left the hardest for her to accept.  The only job she could find was a menial waitress job where disgusting men tried to pinch her butt.  She had to endure their catcalls and demeaning comments because he had never cleaned up no matter what she would say to him.  She remembered the times she begged him to remember the good times and come back to her.  He would have moments of clarity where he would see what he was doing to her and would promise to quit.  It would always be the same as soon as he'd find the closest junkie.  She would watch him waste all her hard earned money and hope that one of these days he'd wake up.  She never expected that he would just up and leave her with just this note.

**_"Rogue,_**

**_Chere, you surprise me with your patience and understanding.  You've stood by me through all this, non?  You have been my rock as I dragged you down wit me.  Why did it take me so long?_**

**_Love, I wished things could have been better for us both.  I wished I could take you back to Xavier's to give you de life you deserve, but I'm not well enough.  I know dat I need help, and I can't continue to bring you down wit me.  You deserve better dan ole Gambit can provide.  I'm sorry I couldn't be better for either of us.  I'm sorry dat it has to be dis way.  Please try to move one wit your life.  Take care of yourself, mon petite.  You know Gambit always love you."_**

She read the words and watched them bleed as her tears hit the paper.  After all she had sacrificed for him, he was just going to walk out of her life leaving her with just a note?  Even as her heart started to break, she made a vow.  She would move on.  She was stronger than he ever knew she could be.  She was the strong one, and she would prove it by forgetting all about him.  She just couldn't help but feel that it had all been a waste. 

She had hoped her love would be strong enough to keep them from falling apart.  But she learned too late that it was her love that kept him from seeing how bad things had gotten.  She had loved him too much to walk out on him so that one day maybe he would see that his habit had cost him her love.  She loved him too much to see him out on the streets or go hungry because he spent all his money on his addiction.  Maybe if she had been more in love with him, she would have been strong enough to give him some "tough love" that would force him to realize he had a serious problem.  But her love wasn't strong enough for that.  She could only hope and pray that one day her love for him would be strong enough to bring him back to her.

"Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust.  As the changing of the seasons and the setting of the soon, so does the soul go from life to death as a natural occurrence.   Unto the lord we commit the spirit of Remiel Luc Lebeau.  May he rest in peace".  Even after all the maybes she was forcing herself to recall, the biggest maybe of all was that if she hadn't tried to shelter him, maybe he would still be alive today flashing her a smile and calling her "Chere" instead of winding up on a morgue slab where she had to go down to identify him.   Maybe one day she'll find a peace of her own, but once again, the only man she ever truly loved has walked out on her except for this time six feet of earth, a metal coffin, and embalming fluid make it impossible for him to ever return to her.  It's been awhile since she's smile, and today doesn't look like that will change.


End file.
